Фото Дугласа Смита. 1953 год.
Photo by Douglas Smith. 1953.
(Source: sovtime)
“Stop Killing Dissenters”
UAW President Leonard Woodward marching with civil rights protesters in Georgia, in the wake of Martin Luther King’s assassination. Alongside are Rev. J. E. Lowery, Coretta King, Rev. and Mrs. Ralph Abernathy, Democratic Senator & Future Presidential Nominee George McGovern, and Atlanta Mayor Sam Massell Jr.
big long post
So I’m using this post as an opportunity to mentally unload on the past 9 months of my life and as this blog is the ultimate void with very few ears I find this is the perfect place for it.
Two days ago I graduated university after nearly 5 years. It was honestly such a bittersweet moment for me that I didn’t possibly enjoy it as much as I thought I would. Although getting the degree and officially being a graduate was an amazing feeling; it was tempered by the fact that my university experience was really emotionally painful. I made a lot of uncomfortable realizations about myself over those years and it took a toll on my ego. I fell in love twice and it hurt so badly. The first time was fleeting, mind; just our shared sense of being lost & aimless with all the freedom in the world, which petered out once we separated and were forced to move on.
The second time was the worst time. She was (and very much still is) a treasure in my heart. Yet it would be a struggle to explain why I adore her so.
I love the way she frustrates me.
I love the way she chatters about nothing at all.
I love the way we swing back and forth between intense hatred and complete infatuation.
Just yesterday she messaged me recall a particularly brutal message I’d sent her from a fight we’d had months earlier. I’d told her that she acts like a child & it was the reason I’d never choose her. I often said mean and terrible things to her over the course of 4 years and I still do. She would always retaliate of course; some of the most scathing insults I’ve had were tossed by her. At this point our relationship is built on a solid base of terrible interactions. Despite that though, I would never want to lose her.
Ultimately, I have fallen in love with her through the emotions she makes me feel. The anger, the hate, the remorse, the guilt, the rush of lust, saying things not because we mean them, but because they feel right. Pure drama. Something incredibly pure and human.
This month she has gone to Europe and I’m facing the very real possibility that I will never see her again. I recently started working full time; my life is filling up with things to do and soon all my time will be allocated. She will find someone nicer, smarter, more loving and beautiful than me; I will work at my career and do my own thing. It’s a dreadful thought.
Of course, things do change. But my seemingly cursed brain will never allow me to move on. Currently, her blog’s latest post is a simple piece of text; “I Do not Love you Anymore”. I have read that many times before yet it still cuts like a knife. It’s unhealthy behaviour of course, but isn’t most things?
At the end of the day I’m just sick of pretending about how I feel. Every reason I want this girl is purely selfish, self-centred, desire. And quite often, I simply just need her.
Her presence in my life is another strange reflection of my desire to just fuel my ego and do whatever strikes me, versus my constant suppression of that in favour of putting a good face on. I’m known everywhere as a good guy with a heart of gold, but this reputation is just fodder to get walked on more often than not. Almost all of my old university friends saw me that way, and as they moved on with their degrees, graduating years before me, they simply started to mock me instead. I’ve never been very into traditionally masculine friendships myself and it’s mostly for this reason entirely. Being singled out for literally everything I did with my life; working in politics, volunteering, working with the Feminist society, playing music, even just playing video games; it was all used to constantly bully me.
I could lie and pretend it wasn’t hurtful but the truth is I was always very hurt and very upset and I find it very hard to hide that fact. But the worst part wasn’t that I was bullied, but that I actively encouraged it by joining in when it was someone else’s turn. I was sucked in by a friendship group built around typical high-school bullying, something I really don’t handle well, and as a result I suffered mentally.
My university years brought up a resurgence of crippling self-doubt and anxiety that I thought had been beaten in high school. Now that I’ve graduated and begun to work in politics (something I’ve always wanted to do) I’m excited to work on my own mental health again. I want to start by honestly accepting my desires & urges for what they are.
Kawanabe Kyōsai 河鍋 暁斎 (1831-1889).
Artiste japonais qui, selon les mots d'un critique, est « un individualiste et un indépendant, peut-être le dernier virtuose de la peinture japonaise traditionnelle »
Unfinished Winery Laboratory and Production Building of “Ialoveni” Research and Production Association, Moldova,
construction began in the 80s,
Architects: V. Shalaginov, G. Bosenko
© BACU @_BA_CU #_BA_CU
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“Stefan Gheorghiu” Academy of Social and Political Studies,
now: Faculty of Electronics, Telecommunications and Information Technology,1-3, Iuliu Maniu bd.,
Bucharest, Romania,built in 1975.
Architect Constantin Rulea © BACU . .
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